Seriously, where did this year go? I can't even believe that I am writing this post and that it is the END OF THE YEAR. I need to start thinking about a word for 2014!
2013. The Year of Acceptance.
Truth: I started 2013 at a real low point in my life. My self esteem seemed non-existent, I was gaining weight, I was apathetic towards everything (including my relationships with my loved ones), and I just had this awful feeling something bad was going to happen.
Truth Number Two: Something bad probably would have happened if I hadn't gotten help.
I started seeing a counselor at the End of January. I saw her three times in total. That was all I needed. My friend Annette suggested a book for me to read called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and that really was the catalyst for my change.
I read the book, I did the homework, I reflected, I journalled, I made my mental health a priority, I made my relationships a priority. At the end of a 2 month period I felt back on track with the life I wanted to live. I had rediscovered my strength and my worth.
Since that time, honestly and truthfully, I have felt very good. I no longer stress about overeating, about skipping a workout, or about the possibility that I might be a shitty parent one day.
I have come to terms with the re-gain of weight, and I can see that it stemmed from old habits, emotional instability, and poor coping skills.
I have strengthened the relationship I have with my body, I treat it with the respect it deserves and I practice positive self talk. The negative thoughts are almost non-existent, it is refreshing and freeing. :)
I have grieved the loss of relationship with my biological father, and my biological mother. I am at a point of peace with the fact that I didn't have an ideal childhood, but I have come past that with triumph and strength and no one can take that away from me.
A list of Truth's going forward from here:
- I am strong, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
- I am loved, by my husband and adopted father, my sister, and my friends.
- I am beautiful and unique, both inside and out.
- I am a good person.
- I am smart, funny, and mature.
- I have a body that has done so much for me despite my lack of consistent care: It has run more miles this year than any in the past, it has lifted heavier things than I ever have before, and it has taught me that other peoples ideals aren't my own, and that is Ok.
- I will be the best mother I can be one day when I have kids, I will be in charge of making my relationships with them, not my history.
- I don't think I have a happy weight. But I can have a happy lifestyle.
- I am healthy, and I make healthy choices.
2013 started out as a struggle, but it is ending the happiest I have ever felt. I am so incredibly lucky. I don't know how next year could ever be better than this one!