I will never be a size 2 again.
I will never weigh 120lb again.
Nor do I want to.
The more I reflect on that time of my life, the more I realize how unhealthy some of my behaviors were. I was sliding down the anorexia slope. I was severely restricting my intake while excessively doing cardio for up to 2 hours a day.
Confession: I tried to purge. Probably about 10 times. I was unsuccessful every time. It was like my stomach was "hanging on" to the food. I would be standing over the toilet and I would snap to it and think "What the fuck am I doing?" I was so ashamed. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do.
So what do we call it? Disordered eating or an Eating disorder?
What helped me get out of it before it got even more out of control? Well probably Matthias... getting back together with him really helped to increase not only my calorie intake but to reflect on my exercise habits.
It has been 1 year and 2 months since we got back together.
In that time I have gained 25lb. (Not all fat, but not all muscle either)
The disordered brain thinks that number is absolutely unacceptable. It tells me over and over I am fat, I am a failure, I should restrict my calories, run more, eat less. It tells me that my thighs are huge and my fingers are fat. That I am going to be the size I used to be in no time. I am going to become obese again.
The rational brain thinks its not ideal, but its not terrible either. It is realistic that my exercise habits and eating habits have changed. It is evident that I am more well rounded with my fitness at this time, I am stronger and faster than I was 25lb ago. I am so not perfect. I eat too much chocolate and I graze on nuts and nut butters. I eat mostly whole foods. I am active 4-5ish days a week. 145lb (give or take a few ;)) is not fat. Remember how my original goal weight was 140lb? What happened to that.
It became a competition against myself. I got to 140? I could get to 135....130....125... 120. Then when I got there I hadn't considered what it would take to stay there.
The two biggest triggers are standing on the scale and going up a pant size. I dread Sunday's because they are my "Weigh Day". I tried on my shorts (size 4) from last summer and spent at least 30 minutes crying because they don't fit the right way. I had to buy new work pants (size 6) because the 4s are too tight to be comfortable and flattering.
All of these things = Meltdown Amie.
It seems like no one knows what to say to comfort me either. The disordered brain gets in the way of that. No one understands. Matthias suggested talking to my trainer about it.
She is a body builder. So she ends up putting on a bunch of weigh in muscle but having little body fat. Then when it is time for her competition she has to drop e.v.e.r.y bit of fat she has on her body while maintaining muscle size. So she goes from a healthy 160lb and 11% body fat to 115lb and 5% body fat.
Here are some comforting things she said:
- We (her and I) have the same body shape, I always joke that I can have a 6 pack and a fat ass at the same time.
- When I am 115lb I feel like shit. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant train the way I want to train. I feel like a zombie. I am cold all the time. I am exhausted. But I look fucking great. Is it worth it? No.
- So you have put on the majority of your weight in your legs? (As evidenced by the tight pants and increase in inches) Well.... maybe Crossfit isn't for you then.
- You need to think of realistic and rational goals. Whether it be a number, a pant size, or inches, you need to outline what you want to feel happy. Then when you achieve those goals you need to not challenge yourself to lose more or get smaller. You need to accept that you have achieved them and maintain.
I can relate to all of these things. She knew just what to say to bring me back from the darkness that I was slipping in to. It also made me really reflect on Crossfit. I find that the majority of the WOD's have lots of leg work in them. So no wonder my legs have gotten bigger. I know I have put on muscle since I started. I couldn't do a single Crossfit push up and now I can do 10 in a row. Would I really consider giving up Crossfit just so my leg muscles wouldn't grow? Could I live without having a space between my thighs and with my thighs rubbing together when I walk? What about the extra cellulite I have now?
I have come to the conclusion that I love doing Crossfit more than I love wearing a size 4 pant. Therefore, Crossfit will continue and I will keep fighting the negative thoughts that arise from wearing a size 6. On a side note - remember when I bought my first size 6? Why can't I be that happy about it still?
I needed to outline some realistic goals that will make me happy and that I think I will be able to maintain. Here is what I came up with:
- 135lb. (Range from 130-140lb)
- Vegetarian lifestyle with moderation of dairy.
- Run a full marathon in 2013.
- Maintain an active lifestyle; 5 days of activity, 2 days of rest.
- Size 4/6 pants most days.
- Size M top.
- Continue Crossfit.
- Eat dark chocolate and 1 small treat every day. Limit big treats to 2x week.
So there we have it. This is where I am at right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Sorry for the excessive length of this post.