healthy |ˈhelθē|adjective ( healthier , healthiest )in good health: : feeling fit and healthy.• (of a part of the body) not diseased : healthy cells.• indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health : a healthy appetite | a healthy balanced diet.• (of a person's attitude) sensible and well balanced : a healthy contempt for authority.• figurative in a good condition• desirable; beneficial• A conscious choice; A life-long commitment.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

On Vulnerability

So, what are everyone's thoughts on the switch? I found a few missing links on the Recipe and Race page that I am going to work on fixing. I also noticed that on IE the side bar with the Mini Goals looked a wee bit messed up, but I think I resolved that? Any strange text over there?

So, Vulnerability.

We all experience vulnerability at various stages of our life. We fight with friends and family, we lose relationships, we are put in situations that push us outside of our comfort zone, we get a new job, we make changes to our health and body, we feel self conscious. Vulnerability is a part of life, unfortunately.

This is a place where I am vulnerable. I come to this very public blog, and I share what is in my heart, what is on my mind, and what size my body is.

I post before and after pictures. I admit to my flaws, my binges, my weight regain.

I put it out there, for people I don't even know to read. I feel comfort that maybe, just maybe, others can relate to what I am going through. The life long process of self reflection, re-discovery, and finding what works and what doesn't.

I search for feeling free. Free of my disordered eating patterns. Free of some of my family. Free of my feelings of inadequacy.

When someone that I know, actually, physically, know, comes to this page and sees what I have done and reads my struggles, I feel so vulnerable.

Its a different type of vulnerability to let people truly see you, and then to physically see them as well.

Constantly wondering, what are they thinking? Has there impression changed of me? Do they notice I regained weight?

Perceptions of this place change. When I was at my lowest weight, when I was obsessing about my calories in and out, when I was at the brink of becoming anorexic, this place was a place I was proud of. I wanted to share it with the world. LOOK AT ME, I LOST WEIGHT, I SUCCEEDED.

Now, with regain, and a fairly healthy diet, and an exercise regimen that is manageable, and an awareness of my intake without obsession, I am no longer as proud of this place. I look at it as a place of some success and some failure.

I failed. I regained some weight.

Yes, I am free of calorie counting. Yes, I am free of excessive exercising. Yes, I am free of weekly binges. But there are times when that vulnerability shines through. Right now is one of those times.

I don't really know where I was going with this post, other than to say, I feel vulnerable right now.

But vulnerability is good. Vulnerability is a place of growth, reflection, and change.