Thursday, January 31, 2013
We all experience vulnerability at various stages of our life. We fight with friends and family, we lose relationships, we are put in situations that push us outside of our comfort zone, we get a new job, we make changes to our health and body, we feel self conscious. Vulnerability is a part of life, unfortunately.
This is a place where I am vulnerable. I come to this very public blog, and I share what is in my heart, what is on my mind, and what size my body is.
I post before and after pictures. I admit to my flaws, my binges, my weight regain.
I put it out there, for people I don't even know to read. I feel comfort that maybe, just maybe, others can relate to what I am going through. The life long process of self reflection, re-discovery, and finding what works and what doesn't.
I search for feeling free. Free of my disordered eating patterns. Free of some of my family. Free of my feelings of inadequacy.
When someone that I know, actually, physically, know, comes to this page and sees what I have done and reads my struggles, I feel so vulnerable.
Its a different type of vulnerability to let people truly see you, and then to physically see them as well.
Constantly wondering, what are they thinking? Has there impression changed of me? Do they notice I regained weight?
Perceptions of this place change. When I was at my lowest weight, when I was obsessing about my calories in and out, when I was at the brink of becoming anorexic, this place was a place I was proud of. I wanted to share it with the world. LOOK AT ME, I LOST WEIGHT, I SUCCEEDED.
Now, with regain, and a fairly healthy diet, and an exercise regimen that is manageable, and an awareness of my intake without obsession, I am no longer as proud of this place. I look at it as a place of some success and some failure.
I failed. I regained some weight.
Yes, I am free of calorie counting. Yes, I am free of excessive exercising. Yes, I am free of weekly binges. But there are times when that vulnerability shines through. Right now is one of those times.
I don't really know where I was going with this post, other than to say, I feel vulnerable right now.
But vulnerability is good. Vulnerability is a place of growth, reflection, and change.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Well, I think I did it? Almost all of the pages have been moved over. All of the posts and comments have been moved. I even managed to figure out how to transfer the domain. Now THAT was tricky.
Welcome to the new and improved (?) Running on Healthy. More to come soon!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Anyone done this before?
If I do attempt it and lose everything... well that will suck.
Wish Me Luck! Sorry if the Blog is messed up for a few days!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Day Six (Friday)
Breakfast; Vanilla Vega One with 1/2c Almond Milk and Coffee
Snack; Mini Baked Oatmeal, Coffee with Half and Half, Banana and 1tbsp Homemade Nutzo
Lunch; 1.5 Pieces Vegetarian Pizza & Carrots
Supper; White Wine Shrimp with a Cream Sauce on Puff Pastry, Side Salad, Roasted Vegetables and Sweet Potato Fries -> Cities. SO GOOD.
Dessert; Square of Chocolate, 1 Martini and 1 Cocktail
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Day Four (Wednesday)
Breakfast; Chocolate Vega One with Iced Coffee and 1/2c Unsweetened Almond Milk
Snack; Banana, Mini Baked Oatmeal, Kraft Smooth PB
Lunch; Veggies & Hummus, Apple, Trail Mix, Garden Salad and Thousand Island Dressing
Snack; 2 Arrowroot Cookies
Supper; Bean Soup, 1/2 Ancient Grains Wrap with Avocado
Dessert; Date with PB, Square of Dark Chocolate x3, Tea
Day Three (Tuesday)
Breakfast; Vanilla Vega with Iced Coffee and 1c Unsweetened Almond Milk, Rice Cake with Peanut Butter
Snack; Mini Baked Oatmeal with a Banana, 1/2c Natural Trail Mix
Lunch; Veggies & Hummus, Sweet Potato Wedges
Snack; A bit more trail mix, Coffee with 4oz Toasted Marshmallow Cappuccino (my only fail for today, which isn't as bad as yesterday, again I remembered half way through drinking it!)
Supper; Parmesean Sole on top of a Ginormous Salad with Garlic Dressing
Dessert; 1 Date, 1 Small Banana, 1/4c Greek Yogurt, 1Tbsp PB, and 1 Square Dark Chocolate
Unpictured; ... All of it :(
Tuck is home now. He is doing alright. Not really weight bearing on his Right Leg. He is still such a puppy that he does these jerky, excited movements and it is BAD BAD BAD for him. Not to mention he has to wear a cone because he was licking the site. And he can't do stairs. Which we have on our deck. And he refuses to just pee on our deck. And he has to wear a leash. And the "rehab" will take at least 4 months.
Not to mention the cost....
I'm overwhelmed. And Poor.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Day Two (Monday)
Breakfast; 1/2 Oatmeal Bake, 1 Banana, 1/4c Defrosted Strawberries mixed with 1/2Tbsp Peanut Butter and 1/2c Plain Greek Yogurt. Snacked on a spoon of PB Before Breakfast
Lunch; Starbucks Soy Coffee Misto, Veggies & Hummus, Some Sweet Potato Wedges and a Wrap with Egg, Spinach and Avocado
Supper; Carrots, More Sweet Potato Wedges, and Curry with Kale, Cauliflower, Mushrooms, and 1/3c Brown Rice which I ate around.
Dessert; 9 Hershey's Kisses and a Square of Dark Chocolate.
Look who got surgery today :(
Monday, January 21, 2013
Day Five (Thursday)
Breakfast; So, I know I am watching my Sugar intake. I am really more in the "awareness" stage as of right now as opposed to the Hardcore Change Stage. Therefore, I had one of the best scones I have ever had for breakfast this morning from City Roast. It was Strawberry Pecan and it was RIGHT out of the oven. It was still hot. Not just warm. But hot. I also had a coffee with cream.
Snack; Days are weird for me because I have to eat early on, so I need to have a snack between Bfast and Lunch. Today I had an egg and a 1/4 cup egg whites folded in to an omelet and a small Banana.
Lunch;Veggies & Hummus, 2 Dates, Coffee with 2 oz Toasted Marshmallow Cappuccino
Snack; 1/2 Banana, Square of Cheese, Package of Mini Eggs (I was starving after work. Blah)
Supper; Small piece of Mushroom Lasagna and Steamed Carrots
Dessert;1 Small Over Ripe Banana (needed to be ate or frozen), mixed with 1/4c Plain Greek Yogurt and a Tbsp of PB as its National PB Day.
Tomorrow I plan on Change instead of Awareness.
National Peanut Butter Day > Christmas.
Breakfast;12 Grain Wrap with 1Tbsp Peanut Butter, Small Banana, Coffee with 1/2Tbsp Half & Half
Lunch; Pomegranate Punch Smoothie with Less Yogurt and More Fruit (to decrease the sugar)
Snack; Carrots & Hummble Hummus
Supper; 1/3 Cup Instant Brown Rice, topped with a mix of Sauteed Cauliflower, Onion, Kale, and Celery mixed with 1 Package Kitchen's Of India Paneer Darbari
Dessert; M&M Meat Shop Banana Chocolate Skewer
Unpictured; 2 Samples from Costco
So, definitely not perfect, but I had already tracked that Banana Skewer and I figured I would make the exception since it does have SOME fruit in it. I won't be eating another until after the challenge is over. Also, with the Booster Juice, that was unplanned but I am really glad I got it because I would have been starving if I hadn't eaten after the Gym. It did have lots of Protein in it (20g) and the Sugar was reduced because I asked them to use more fruit (which I totally didn't know you could do until today!).
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Well I stepped on the scale this morning at it said 142.5, which is up half a pound since last week. I guess that is to be expected because I know I am not really in "Weight Loss Mode" but I am not really in "Unhealthy Mode Either". I have been tracking my food. But my intake has exceed my daily calories every day (yes.... calorie counting again, just until I feel more solid in my routines). So its Okay. Its not 122lb :P but its not 192lb either.
I feel like this week especially, I have let the numbers NOT define me. I am just accepting of where they are at. Monitoring but not Judging.
I am in to my second week of MARATHON TRAINING, and all is well!
I also had a triumphant return to Crossfit this week and went THREE times. Ah, it was glorious. I felt like a lady beast, in a good way. I got high fives from folks I didn't know, I sweated, grunted, and my muscles shook with fatigue. It was rad. P.S. I did 150 Double Unders -> Most I've Ever Done. With 32 of those being UNBROKEN. WOOO.
I also had a session with my personal trainer, and because my legs were pretty sore that day, I vetoed the 3 mile tempo run on my schedule and did a 30 minute walk instead.
Today is Sunday. My favorite day of Training. But its a cut back week, so I am going to run about 8km (calves are still harboring lactic acid), and then do some stretching.
So this is my second attempt at changing my lifestyle, keeping is consistent with healthy whole foods (I'd say I'm probably at about 65% right now. A lot of the foods I eat are healthy, but as always, my portions exceed what I actually need).
I'm also excited to announce two challenges I am going to be participating in.
One; This is a challenge for myself. I am going to be doing a daily recap of everything I eat in a day via pictures on the blog, called Food-For-A-Week Challenge. I struggle with remembering WIAW, so this is going to be tough. The goal is to help me slow down enough to really think about what I am going to eat before I eat it. It will be going from today, until Saturday.
Two; Lindsey and Becky have announced a Clean UP Your Diet Challenge which focuses on adding more whole foods (veggies, fruits, healthy fats) and eliminating processed sugars. Puuuuuuuuurrrrfect for me. It runs until Valentines Day, which is also perfect because I told Matthias all I want for Valentines Day this year is a box of Dark Chocolates from Bernard Callebaut (with the goal being not to eat them all in one sitting, heh heh). I still plan on having a square of dark chocolate every day, because lets face it, I can't live without it, but that will be the extent of my indulgence.
I am really excited. I feel the positivity rushing through my veins once again. I feel the drive, the desire, the motivation to do better, not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better.
Monday, January 14, 2013
- My Instagram was randomly deleted. WTH? I was not too pleased. I had to resign up, and then, I couldn't even use "Runningonhealthy" as a Username because they don't let you re-use usernames that have been deleted. SO, if you want to follow me, please add Amie_46. Gosh. I had to re-search all of my friends and now I have like NO pictures up. Frustrating.
- I can't believe I am 9 months in to my Job. You know, I can't believe how fast time goes by. Part of me thinks, I have been a nurse for NINE months already? It feels like I just started! And the other part of me thinks, I am an old pro at this nurse thing now and I am doing exactly what I should be doing working in Psych. Perhaps it has to do with being in charge a lot of the time now on my Evening shifts?
- Community. What a high-larious show. Go watch it meow.
- Shopping. I bought new workout gear and Crossfit Shoes. LOVE. So I am sure you have seen all of the posts about Old Navy's Active Gear right? Its on ALL the "Big" Healthy Living Blogs... PB Fingers, Daily Garnish, Carrots n Cake, HTP, and The Fitnessista. Well. Lets just say... I am easily influenced. I read all of those posts and thought "Hm. I should go check out Old Navy," Even though I have a full drawer of perfectly good workout gear. I may
or may nothave dropped 100 dolla's. Well played Old Navy... Well played.
- New Hair. An impromptu new years hair cut led to me chopping off my locks in to a cute medium-length bob. I did it ALL BY MYSELF!
|Check out that Fat Cat :)|
Sunday, January 13, 2013
I want to stress the importance that this revelation is NOT directed at achieving some magical number or clothing size. That's what it was about the last time around, and although I "got there" I want this time to be focused on a feeling. I achieved a feeling of freedom, comfort in my own skin, wholeness, and feeling light. It was related to the good things I was putting in my body. Not the numbers I was seeing. I was constantly stressed about the numbers and this is not about that anymore. This is the healthy brained Amie talking. Not the disordered one.
I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 142lb.
I've been busy tracking food, being active, and reigning in those sugar cravings.
I think I am doing okay with it too. I mean, I have never been one to crash diet and lose a bunch of weight really quick, so I imagine this extra poundage will leave pretty slowly. Especially with Marathon Training.
Oh! About that.
My intercostal muscle is doing MUCH better. I took a full 3 weeks off of Crossfit (sad face), and did almost nothing besides walking and light jogging. I can still feel a tiny twinge in my ribs when I do a plank or anything else focused on my abdominals, but it is more like an annoyance than a pain.
First week of marathon training is up, and it went well. I got in all 3 scheduled runs, including a 3 mile easy run, 3 miles with hills, and a 10km long run. LOVE getting in those longer distances again. I havent run more than 8km since July due to Hypothalamic Amennorhea. WOAH. I took two rest days, did some weights and the stepper machine one day, and Level 2 of the 30 Day Shred another day. It felt really good to have the consistent exercise again.
Crossfit will be re-added this coming week. WISH ME LUCK.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
This is me, making no more excuses.
This is me, saying I made bad decisions.
This is me, acknowledging to weight gain.
This is me, trying, trying so, so hard, not to be hard on myself for it.
This is me, trying, trying so, so hard, to be kind to myself, by making different choices.
This is me, changing my plan, refocusing on consistency, refocusing my commitment.
This is me scared. Scared that if I don't change, I will end up back at 190lb.
This is me hopeful. Hopeful that I can re-focus on health, instead of weight loss.
This is me, acknowledging the life long struggle this is going to be, and getting ready to re-embrace that instead of running from it.
This is me, trying to not let a number define who I am.
This is me, not giving up, not starting again, but continuing the fight.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
forgiveness [fəˈgɪvnɪs]Now, today I am not talking about forgiving others. I am referring to forgiving ourselves.
n1. the act of forgiving or the state of being forgiven2. willingness to forgive
All too often, we are unreasonably hard on ourselves. Mean, even. Why?
As a Type-A personality, I know that if I don't exactly fit to the mold that I think I should be, that I beat myself up about it. Then come the feelings of low self esteem, of failure, and of fear for never getting "better".
Yet I work with people who continuously "Screw Up", people with addictions, people who have trouble forming and maintaining healthy relationships, people with zero coping skills. I have absolutely no trouble counseling them on the importance of forgiving themselves, telling them to take time to work on themselves, to let themselves get better. That they Deserve that.
We all deserve our own forgiveness. I think when we (especially the Type-A's out there) can begin to forgive ourselves for our "Short Comings" that we can start to accept our past, and create a healthier, happier future.
- I forgive myself for eating terribly, not exercising, and becoming overweight.
- I forgive myself for excessively counting calories and obsessing about losing weight, resulting in Hypothalamic Amennorhea, Sciatica, and Disordered Thinking that brought me to the edge of an eating disorder.
- I forgive myself for re-gaining some weight.
- I forgive myself for loving Chocolate.
- I forgive myself for not walking my dogs every day.
- I forgive myself for hurting my Intercostal Muscle.
- I forgive myself for cheating on a Math Test in Grade 10 and Shoplifting a T-shirt from Zellers in Grade 11.
- I forgive myself for all of the mean things that I have said to myself over the years, I am good enough, and I am worth it.
- I forgive myself for forgetting to tell my Mom that my Dad wanted her to drop me off at his house early on Halloween when I was 6.
- I forgive myself for all of the McDonalds Binges.
- I forgive myself from running away from all of the feelings.
Do you struggle with forgiveness? Self acceptance?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The congestion finally dissipated, but the cough remained. To be polite, I would cough in to my right elbow, twisting each time, up to 10 times in a row during a coughing spell.
On Wednesday last week I noticed a pain in my right side, kind of like a tight muscle or knot in my ribs. It hurt only when I coughed. I didn't think too much of it, but I noticed the increasing discomfort when I would twist, lay on my right side, and lift with my right hand.
Because this pain was new, I called health link, worried it might be something with my gallbladder. They advised me to go to the hospital, so I did. Well, one round of blood work, a chest xray, and an ultrasound later and ... nothing. Nadda. According to the tests I am healthy. So the doctor suggested it could be some kind of inflammation in my lungs/ribs, and it can go as quickly as it came.
Saturday it felt a BIT better so I went and did a 5km run outside. It didn't hurt during, but the cough came back with a vengence after, and with that, the pain.
Sunday, I was eating my morning oatmeal, reading blogs on my phone when I coughed.
Difficulty taking a full breath.
I went in to my room, immediately woke Matthias up, and told him what happened. I laid on the bed, in what can only be described as agony, writhing back and forth, trying to suppress my cough and breath normally.
I googled what it could be, and thanks to this website, I think I know what I did. I am 99% sure I pulled an intercostal muscle. I think I strained it before, and the pop was me pulling it.
I took a Naproxen, sat on my cough, and cried.
I cried about the things I felt like I couldn't do. Control my eating. Go to Crossfit. Run. Move. Practice Yoga. Get off the chair. Lift the bowl of oatmeal to the Microwave with my Right Hand.
Woe. Is. Me.
I have plans for 2013. Big Plans. Running races and doing Crossfit and getting stronger. I can't do ANY of that with this. Right now, I am thinking most about my Marathon. In exactly 6 days, I am supposed to begin my 18 week training plan. Right now, I don't know if that is going to be possible.
New Years was spent on my couch. I just feel no motivation to do anything.
With the new year, I am going to try to focus on the things I can control. Like the food I am eating. Food needs to become Fuel again. Especially if I am going to run a marathon.
Right now I am still pretty negative about the whole situation. So that's that.
Happy new year friends. May your days be pain free and positive.