So I have pretty well been in Maintenance for a full year now. Last summer I reached my "goal" of 128, then when I was injured I lost an additional 7ish pounds. I don't think this was meant to happen ~ I lost muscle mass, strength, endurance. Yes I was tinier. Yes I fit size 2 pants. But so what? I was really cold, even through summer I couldn't wear a T-shirt. I was also scared. So So So Scared that I would gain all the weight back. Of course I would be scared. I hadn't intended on losing additional weight, I had no idea where the changes came from that would make me drastically drop it off in less than a month. I attribute it to an increase of cardio ~ some days up to 2 hours, and a lack of strength training. It was a plan that was bound to fail. Who can keep up that kind of activity and live on 1300 calories a day? Sure I could if I REALLY wanted to. But that meant saying no to all special occasions, meticulously calculating everything, every day, all day, and being weary of eating out. It was not pleasant, and I over indulged at times (ex. on the Weekends when I went camping) because I was in a place that I subconsciously knew I couldn't stay at.
As school started and I returned to a more normal schedule the weight came back on. A little bit here, a little bit there. I was frantic about it. I was devastated. I reviewed what had changed since the summer and wondered how I could get back there.
Christmas came and went. My preceptorship came and went. I gained a little bit more (topping out at 133lb). I had to buy new pants *gasp* size 4's. Some of the shirts that fit me better last summer are a wee to tight for comfort now, although I surely don't look "fat" in them, I just like my clothes a little looser fitting. I began a strength training program (more on that later) and continued with a decent amount of cardio.
Wisdom teeth surgery meant a soft foods/liquid diet dropping me down to 128lb. The surgery knocked me out for a month ~ more endurance lost, but I finally felt normal again. I continued strength training, I felt stronger than ever, I could actually do real pushups. I ran another 1/2 marathon and a 10km run, killing past PR's.
I slowly realized that I could trust myself to make healthy foods, and that if I stayed conscious and present in my choices I could turn down some treats and indulgently savor others. I realized that I don't need a scale to keep close measurement of my progress, and the daily pull to step on it is no longer there. I realized that I could maintain what I am doing now, probably for the rest of my life, and that my body and mind feel truly healthy.
It's not perfect, but I doubt it ever will be. I overdo it once in a while, but I generally savor these times and they are becoming farther and farther apart. I still eat dessert/something sweet. I honestly don't think that will ever change. I still eat yogurt and cheese. I would really love to be a vegan but yogurt is just too delicious. I even taste a bite of the fish Matthias makes some times, and then quickly realize I really don't like the taste of fish, hence why I gave it up in the first place.
I look back to my word of the year, Transition, and I feel it all around me. I am a nurse. I have graduated from university. I am working full time. I am moving to my own home. I am in a happy relationship that will progress to marriage over the next year and a bit. I am working on being a better runner. Things didn't work out with my sister and I am learning to accept that. I feel more comfortable with the transitions that are happening more than ever.
I'm happy. I'm healthy. That is what matters.