Thank you so much for the words of support. They truly mean more to me than I can express.
There once was a girl, a fourteen year old girl, who had never been in love before. This girl had told her best friend that she thought she would one day marry her highschool sweetheart, even though she didn't know him just yet.
One Saturday in May she was invited by her cousin to an 18th birthday party, the birthday boy, she had never met. This was the night they met. Not drinking, but surrounded by drunk people, the shy 14 year old girl stepped out of her comfort zone. She started talking to the birthday boy, only to discover he was German. Feeling courageous she told the boy to talk dirty to her in German (haha). The boy fumbled with his words but eventually spurted something out that the girl didn't understand. The girl asked him to translate, to which he responded "Well, in German, it means 'your hot' but directly translated to English, it means 'your horny'." That was the first laugh they shared.
The next day he was added to her MSN, but she had a crush on a different boy and didn't think much of the German. She started dating the other boy a few weeks later, but he quickly presented himself in the form of emotional abuse, to which the girl did not enjoy. This boy had 2 sisters, large and in charge sisters, that had threatened to "beat her up" for hurting their brother. That night, at a rural community dance, they showed up, and the girl spent the night hiding by cuddling with another (yes, another) boy. That night, she saw the German again for a second time, and he was not in a good mood. She said 'hello' to him and he brushed her off. This didn't phase the girl too much, but she remembers him walking past her in the dark to this day, and the look of anger on his face.
Slowly, the girl started talking to the German boy more and more, when she realized that it was not going to work out with the boy she had cuddled that night. They stayed up late, MSN'ing, learning about each other, laughing, and enjoying each others company. She set her desktop background as his picture, her favorite picture of him, and sheepishly showed her mom that this was the boy she liked.
They had their first date on July 1st, 2005. The girl was 14, the boy 18. They went to a movie, War of the Worlds, and the girl hated the idea of aliens so much that half way through she held the boys hand... and then his other hand. They only spoke a maximum of 5 words between each other that night. After the movie, the boy and his friend quickly shot up and left the theater, leaving the girl and her cousin sitting in the chairs still. Puzzled and slightly hurt they followed them out, and silently waited until her mom picked her and her cousin up. She hugged the German boy when she left, and she felt like it had been a successful first date.
They continued talking on MSN, even though the girl went to Red Deer to visit her dad. She stayed up until the sun was rising, quickly falling for this boy and everything about him.
July 6th, 2005 he asked her to be his girlfriend. The girl was so happy.
She went home from Red Deer early that year, because she didn't want to be away from the boy any longer. They went to her parents cabin together on the weekend of her return, along with her cousin and her boyfriend (which just so happened to be the German's friend). They had lots of fun, and on a night when a cooler or 2 was consumed the girl and the boy had their first kiss. That kiss was photographed. The girl still has that photo to this day. They spent that night kissing and their teeth crashed together on more than one occasion, to which they laughed and continued on. He slept on the ground, she on the couch, and he held her hand the entire night, even though his wrist was in an awkward angle.
The girl quickly identified that this was her first love. By September the boy and his mother were not getting a long, and the girls mother offered that the boy stay with them. At 15, the girl and the boy lived together.
Conventional? No. But the girl wouldn't change it for anything.
They laughed, they joked, they had so much fun together. The girl remembers all the silly moments, like when he told her not to go still when he picked her up, and she did, just to bug him, and he farted (the first time in front of her) as he collapsed, unable to hold her up, he was so embarrassed. She remembers the time he put his arms around her tummy and squeezed, and she farted from the pressure (the first time in front of him), she was so embarrassed.
In April of 2006, when the girl was almost 16, the mother and the girl were no longer getting along, and the girl and the boy moved out.
Conventional? No. But the girl wouldn't change it for anything.
They built a raggedy house together, too poor to buy anything nice. When their roommate moved, they periodically returned to the girls home, until they found another room mate to live with. They got a cat, miss Olivia.
Although they were always happy together, bad eating habits and being lazy quickly took over day to day routines, and their weights escalated. They still loved each other despite this, but it led to self hate.
When the girl graduated, they moved to Red Deer together, as that is where she wanted to go to school. He willingly followed her, leaving all of his friends and family behind, and the girl took this for granted.
The boy had trouble making friends in this new city as all of the people he worked with were older, but he still had her and she still had him.
They got another cat, Mr. Oliver, and then a dog. Tucker brought more happiness to them than they expected and they eagerly read up on how to raise a dog before getting him. He was their baby, their child, and he was spoiled rotten.
Stuck in a rut.
Unhappiness consumed the now woman. Not related to the boy, but related to the fact that the woman couldn't change her life. In a drastic attempt to change, she moved out and home with her dad.
She wrecked the German. His poor coping skills led to her distress, and the guilt of causing another person so much pain haunted her. She still had to see him, because she shared custody of Tucker, and this was difficult on both of them.
The woman met Jake.
The woman became a Vegetarian.
The woman met Andrew.
Simply put, Andrew was a douche.
Andrew (thankfully) left.
The woman swore off boys and took up running.
The woman reached her goal weight, and then surpassed it.
The woman and the boy became friends again, and the woman knew she missed him, although she would never admit it to anyone else. The boy started to date another girl. A prettier girl. And the woman started to feel alone.
The woman met Paul.
The woman ran a 10km run.
The woman struggled with Sciatica.
The woman struggled with not seeing Paul regularly, but for the most part, kept it to herself.
The woman ran a half marathon.
The German and the Pretty Girl broke up. The German's friend, a girl who had just had a baby, moved in.
The German said he would never date the friend, even though she liked him, A Lot.
The German and the woman remained friends, even though she was dating Paul.
The woman got sick of not seeing Paul. The woman realized that maybe the German was right when he told her that no one could love her like he did.
The stubborn woman admitted defeat. She ended it with Paul, because she could not see things working out. This made the woman sad.
The woman realized that it was through her own self sabotage that she attempted to take control of the situations she was in. To maintain control, she had to be the one to end relationships because lets face it, she thought, they will leave her eventually anyways.
At 4 in the morning, the woman called Paul. No answer. The woman called Matthias. A groggy German listened to her cry and vent for an hour. The woman realized that every decision she had made up until now had been the right one at the time. Ending it with the German. Being hurt by Jake. Dating Paul. They were not regrets.
The woman recognized now that she had no control over the repercussions of these decisions now. And that she clearly was in no emotional state to be in a relationship.
The German man listened the sheepish girl in a woman's body. The woman felt relief, and tried to sleep the rest of the night.
The next morning, the woman found out that the German was dating the friend with the baby.
Today was one of the hardest days of my life. The emotions were like nothing I have ever felt before. I reflected. I cried. A lot. And I realize that these emotions have nothing to do with Paul. And everything to do with the fact that I am late.
The one who is always fashionably early, is one month late.
So now, not only is their guilt for hurting him once, I unknowingly dumped all of my feelings on him while he is with someone else.
Granted, that girl will not make him happy, and he is too good for her, but it still sits on my conscience that I may have accidently hindered the course of their relationship. Had I known, I would have kept my thoughts to myself.
Did I mention that I have too much insight?
He supported me when I needed to date other people. I now will attempt to do the same.
Please, live your life with no regrets. I don't regret anything that has happened to me, or any of the decisions I have made, because they have shaped who I will be tomorrow. I believe in Soul Mates. I believe in Fate.