Wouldn't it be nice if we could look in a crystal ball and just see 40 years from now? How will the decisions I make now affect my future?
Who will I be with? Where will I be working? Will I have children? What will the people I love be doing? What will the people I used to love be doing?
Did I make the right decision?
Right now, I am struggling with this. How can you ever know what repercussions your decisions have? Will the hurt I have caused lead to a greater love for those who I intended to better? Will it in turn leave me alone, to waste, by myself, because I attempted to be selfless?
I don't think of myself as a selfish person. I try to do things for others to make them happy. I think this is weakness for me. I do put others before my own needs. I try to see down the road and do what is best for them.
How is this affecting where I will end up?
I ended my relationship today. Ultimately we hardly saw each other. Once a week is not enough for me, and in this case I decided I needed to be selfish. I want to be with someone who can offer me a little more time than that. I don't ask for the world, but I do ask to feel like I am in a relationship, and although I don't doubt that Paul loves (or.. loved) me, I do doubt that he realistically understood what I wanted. Maybe he did know. But right now, there is no way to change this and make it work.
I also see this as being slightly self-less because I was bringing this issue up every 3 or so weeks. This was about the 6th time it has come up. Each time I let him convince me that one day it would change. How long can one "wait it out" and "wait for it to get easier"? I have waited 5 months. I don't want to continue waiting for god knows how long. I would rather be alone.
It wasn't fair for me to be bringing this issue up every 3 weeks and put him through that. He deserves a girl who will be okay with his crazy schedule. Not one who starts to feel like a needy girlfriend (which is something I don't want to be).
Part of the problem? He didn't think there was one. That right there shows our difference in expectations. If this was continually coming up as an issue for me and he wasn't seeing it, then how are we to ever move past it? There was just no compromise.
How do I feel? I hurt. I am sad. I am disappointed in myself for falling and ultimately setting myself up for hurt... again. I knew from the start that we both had busy schedules and I tried to tell myself that we could make it work. I was wrong. I feel alone. I question love. I don't know what is real. I don't know what to feel.
I know that I don't want to turn to food to comfort myself. I think this is good and shows the growth that I have accomplished.
So here I sit, with my tears, wondering how long I will be alone this time, and maybe, just maybe, I made a huge mistake when I ended it with Matthias.
Who knows what the future holds. You can't change the past, and you can only learn from your mistakes.
If that means I will be alone, then so be it.