healthy |ˈhelθē|adjective ( healthier , healthiest )in good health: : feeling fit and healthy.• (of a part of the body) not diseased : healthy cells.• indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health : a healthy appetite | a healthy balanced diet.• (of a person's attitude) sensible and well balanced : a healthy contempt for authority.• figurative in a good condition• desirable; beneficial• A conscious choice; A life-long commitment.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Some Random Thoughts

I went to the doctor the other day for my yearly check up. The night before, I was thinking about how I was going to have to step on the scale at the office, and of course, they are the super duper accurate scales that know exactly what you weigh. This created some stress. What if it was different than what it says when I am home, naked, and empty (before breakfast and after a morning pee). Would that shape how I would continue on with my day? Should it?

I thought about this as I got dressed that morning to a weight of 123.5lb. Should I wear "light" clothes? What would they think of my weight? Would they even notice? Why was I over thinking this to start with?

At my lowest weight, 121.5lb, I was extremely active, working out every day, long runs once a week, walking my dog for up to 2 hours each day. I didn't have to worry about school. I only worked part time. This was unrealistic for me to even think about keeping up once the weather changed and the homework possessed my life again.

It has been six weeks now of being in school. When I started I weighed 122-122.5lb. That means I have gained anywhere from a pound to a pound and a half. I have been trying to self reflect on what this means for me. I know how easily it is for people to gain weight they have lost. I know that fat cells never leave, they just shrink. I know, and fully understand, that I could easily slip back in to old patterns (and trust me, some weeks I have) and that I will lose some of the success I have achieved.

This terrifies me. I still feel like I don't have a "normal" relationship with food. I consistently count calories, rationalize my choices, and obsess about events to come (*cough* School Pot Luck Today *cough*). I brought this up with my doctor. He must think I am cray cray. Every time I go see him I think there is something new wrong with me (Thank you, nursing). This though, my eating habits I mean, are not normal. Or better yet, I don't want them to be my normal.

Will I ever just eat freely, stop when I am full, and feel satisfied? Will I ever be able to make a spur of the moment choice and not have to "re-plan" my day?

He is referring me to a councilor to talk about these issues, as well as the issues surrounding my mother and father, and the relationship (or lack of) that I have with them. I think (read: I hope) this will help solve some of my underlying issues.

So now I weigh 123.5lb. That is still within my normal range of 120-125lb. I am still working out 5-6 times a week and walking my dogs 3-4 times a week (50-60min/time). My pants and shirts still fit the exact same way.

Considering the difficulties I have had with healthy eating during tutorial in the past, I consider this to be a success. My life seems maintainable at this point, and entering into clinical (read: A more structured eating plan and being on my feet all day) I think I will be able to continue with this.

I am kind of just thinking out typing (haha) right now ... trying to work through whatever is going on up in the ol' noggin.