I am struggling.
I don't exactly know why it is happening. I don't know if this is one of those times where my motivation is lacking and my cravings are through the roof. I don't know why this is still hard for me. I don't know why I can't seem to find a normal relationship with food. I don't know.
I want to know. I want to have all the self control in the world. I want to not love chocolate and peanut butter. I want to only love vegetables and nothing else. I want weight to not be a number. I want to have success and I don't want to struggle. I want this to be easy.
I am being unrealistic.
After many days saying "Tomorrow is a new day" and "Tomorrow I will make healthy choices", After 4 timbits and a giant Pumpkin Cinnamon Tea Biscuit, After stepping on the scale at midnight (cringe, self punishment) and seeing the number 125.5, I am saying enough.
It is 11:59. In one minute I will muster up my will power and re-focus. It doesn't matter that I am in school. It doesn't matter that I have a boyfriend. It doesn't matter that I have reached all of my fitness goals.
What matters is how I chose to act from here on out. To not make excuses. To push myself hard at the gym. To focus on whole foods. To focus on reducing my sugar to help curb my cravings.
I recognize that 125.5 is not a true scale reading and that this was an act of self torture. I will wait till Monday to do an official weigh in. I am not one who is able to wait longer than a week to weigh myself. Because the thoughts of "Well I can eat better tomorrow and it won't affect the scale" start creeping up ... and then they become regular inhabitants, and then I feel weighted down from all the terrible eating.
Enough. Is. Enough.
The time is now. Off to re-watch Food, INC. to remind me of why I love healthy eating.