Stepped on the scale this morning after 3 good days of eating and I am at 122.5, which makes me believe this is my actual weight (water retention aside, considering the alcohol consumed at the Wedding this last weekend). I am okay with this number. I am okay with how my clothes fit. I am okay with how I look.
So why am I constantly obsessing about gaining weight, what I eat, and what the scale will say when I feel "thin enough" to step on it? That isn't healthy. That isn't any way to live. When I am put in a social situation that revolves around food, I feel like I can't control myself. This fear, leads to a feeling of stress, thoughts of failure enter my head, and I eat. I stop listening to my body. I think the fear of failure in this journey is all encompassing for me right now. Instead of celebrating my successes, such as losing 70lb, becoming a vegetarian who understands eating for health, becoming physically healthy and active, becoming a runner, being a size 2, xs, ext.. are all over shadowed by the extreme fear that I won't be able to keep this up. That I will slip up, realize that I didn't actually change at all, and go back to how I was before.
Weekends with food have come, and went, and will continue to come and go for the next few weeks. I have taken them in stride, made some healthy and some not healthy decisions, and maintained within my goal range the entire time. This is true maintenance. Why have I let my fear rule the decisions I probably would have made without it being around? Yes, I have eaten not-so-healthy on the weekends, but this is temporarily, and when I get home I always return back to my healthy habits. I still work out 5 days a week. I still drink water. I still eat breakfast. I still eat portioned desserts.
I am ready to try the more intuitive approach to this journey. I am ready to let go (at least temporarily) of the scale and the cruel number attached to it, a number I might add, that does not define my self worth, and should never define yours.
Inches remained the same this month, which is good - means my body shape has decided it is happy with where it is at.
So here's the plan:
- Track food, but not every slice of tomato or tablespoon of onion that I add to my salad. I will track the calorie heavy stuff, such as salad dressings, cheeses, starchy vegetables, and higher calorie/fat vegetables like avocado's.
- Weigh myself on the 1st of every month. Yes, you read correctly. The next time I step on the scale it will be October 1st.
- Continue drinking water, eating healthy, taking vitamins, and exercising 5x a week.
- Relish in my accomplishments, including my upcoming half marathon in 10 (!!!!) days.
- Be happy with who I am, what I have done, and the choices that I continue to make. Instead of "Do I really want this piece of chocolate cake?" (the answer is always yes, I always want cake), ask "Will eating this entire piece of cake cause me stress later?" (again, the answer is always yes), so settle with 2 bites, and if I am feeling so inclined, 3, but don't eat more than that, because I don't need more than that.