healthy |ˈhelθē|adjective ( healthier , healthiest )in good health: : feeling fit and healthy.• (of a part of the body) not diseased : healthy cells.• indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health : a healthy appetite | a healthy balanced diet.• (of a person's attitude) sensible and well balanced : a healthy contempt for authority.• figurative in a good condition• desirable; beneficial• A conscious choice; A life-long commitment.

Monday, May 2, 2011

My current thoughts on that little thing called Love.

I don’t even know where to begin. When I think about this topic, so many ideas swirl around in my head that it almost seems impossible to decipher, to make my point clear and concise. If you know me, then you know that that is what I am like, to the point, honest, no beating around the bush.

When I think about Love, I feel like I am lost in one of those mazes with really high bushes on both sides of you and you can’t see where you are going, like that Harry Potter Movie.

So what happens to me when I get this confused? I cry. Its unfortunate, but that is how my emotions express themselves. Always through tears.

Maybe I will make a list? That always seems to help organize my thoughts, at least a bit.

What Don’t I Want?
  • A Boyfriend. Of that, I am certain. I know this because I just don’t have the time (or are willing to make the time) for just anyone. I have things that I want to accomplish this summer, I have fitness goals, professional goals, eating goals, and the general boy population just doesn’t fit in with that. It would take an exceptional person to make me change my mind.
  • To Lower My Standards. Another certainty. I have made some... poorer... choices in the past, and these past 2 months that I have been completely alone have given me a lot of time to think about that and to change my perspective about myself, my love life, and my priorities. I have a very high set of expectations, and I am not willing to waste my time on someone who doesn’t meet them, or be in the process of striving to meet them, why bother?
  • To be one of those “easy” girls. I’m absolutely proud of my body, my mind, my personality, everything. I love myself 100%, and that means I value what I have to offer this world. I am not willing to “put out” to just anyone, so that I can gain the approval of some guy. That aint my style and never will be.
Where does this leave me? With zero prospects. As a young woman who is not seeking a boyfriend, or casual relations, it is hard to find any kind of companionship. Should I be surprised? Of course not. Does it suck? Yup. Guys my age want easy girls, and guys older than me want girlfriends, there is no middle ground.

What Do I Want?
  • Happiness. Whether I find that alone, or with someone else, well, I guess the universe will let me know.
  • Someone with the same lifestyle as me. I am an extremely healthy person - I exercise 6 days a week, I eat right, I am a vegetarian, I rarely drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. Now I know asking for a vegetarian partner is pushing the limits, and certainly they don’t have to be vegetarian for me to give them the time of day, but I don’t want to date someone who eats Ice Cream Cake for Supper and who wants me to skip the gym so we can hang out. Thats a big no-no in my books, and a quick way to make me lose interest.
  • True Love. I am a romantic at heart. I want to be swept off my feet by Mr. Right. This is contradicting to me not wanting a Boyfriend, but I think if someone exceptional came along, I would change my mind.
Where does this leave me? Again with zero prospects. I mean obviously I am very happy right now on my own, but I don’t go out to the bars a lot, I am more of a home-body or gym-rat (my gym is for women only... yaaaay.), so where am I to meet someone?

And true love. Hah. Right now, I scoff at the idea. This makes me sad... because I believe (or at least used to believe) in True Love and Soul Mates and everything romantic. At this present moment I am more jaded... I am questioning my beliefs surrounding these ideas.

Lets look at the list:
  • Matthias, my ex. 5 years spent together. 5 good years. He is the best man I know. Funny, Charming, Healthy, Vegetarian, Committed to his obligations, Responsible. For a long time, I thought he was my soul mate. We were a bad influence on each other in the healthy lifestyle department, but after we broke up we found our feet and both live the exact same lifestyle, but apart. He works out of town, 2 weeks out, 1 week in, so I only get to see him on his week when he is home, but when we hang out we have lots of fun together, we work out, go to the movies, watch the UFC fights, laugh, walk our dog, it’s good. I am confused. He has all the attributes I want in a man. We both have similar life goals. He is my best friend and the only other person besides my dad that I trust in this world. I haven’t let myself explore any feelings of sexual attraction with him, because I don’t want to screw up our friendship. I like our relationship right now, but I dont like it when he picks me up to watch the fights so that I don’t have to waste gas, and then blows me off onto his roommate when we are done and gets him to drive me home because he wants to hang out with another girl. I know I shouldn’t expect any different, we have no sexual relationship, but it still... hurts.
..... That’s it. (The guy I met at the Bar a few weeks ago just isn’t worth it.)

Where does this leave me? Young, not ready to settle down, possibly made a huge mistake (long term) when I ended it with Matthias, currently happy on my own, wondering if I will be alone forever now, questioning the existence of true love, relying (unfortunately) on fate to guide me, completely hopeless.

I don’t even think writing this out helped settle my confusion, it just transferred it to visible words so that others can now read about it, haha.

I need a miracle.